Franklin goes to a Wedding

The season has begun. Spring is in the air and love is all around....though our heroine is still feeling very little love for Franklin the Frame and his BFF Walter the Wheelchair.

Regardless the three of them along with the Mysterious Bearded man, ventured out to celebrate the wedded bliss of two friends.

That's not them. No one knows those people

First battle: the stairs! The lovely stairs in this late 19th Century building (see them back there behind the happy couple). Stairs from a time when our heroine would have most assuredly been cast out by all society and forced to become the most ruthless of all peg-legged pirates. Stairs covered in red carpet and divided into two directions in the middle. With the help of some fabulous Ushers the Amazing One-Legged Girl and her entourage made it to the ceremony in, wheels and all.

What did the Amazing One-Legged Girl wear you ask? Well she sported the finest footwear of course!

See that dandy on the right...you are looking a $300 shoe folks, velcro, screws, and all, custom latched on to our heoines foot 4 months ago in the hospital. Yes, she has been wearing that same shoe Since January 27 and with the summer coming on the shoe is becoming particularly disgusting (sticky-stinky-falling-apart-gross). It is not at all the shoe that our heroine would have spent $300 on if it were her choice, but her non-functional right foot won out in the end...and as for shoes Function, not Form prevailed.

After reviewing her photos from that evening our heroine quickly noted that they were all made from the distinct perspective of a wheelchair...or a 7 year old...from way down low. Making all of her friends seem extra-adult-ish.

One of the most magical discoveries of this adventure (bedsides an astonishingly delicious piece of cake) was a semi-precious-plastic pearl in her ultra-precious margarita.

Treasures abound!

(and yes, she has been cleared to consume alcohol by her pain Doctor.)

(and yes, she has a pain Doctor.)

It's 3am in Kentucky

A quick recap of our heroine's Easter adventures in the land of parades, uniforms, and schedules. Her brother returned as scheduled along with 300 other soldiers completing a a year of deployment. The excitement in the room prior to their arrival was certainly palpable, full of young wives spruced up for the homecoming, small children and fresh babies toddling around confused but excitedly holding signs, and other family members adjusting cameras in anticipation.

Everyone eagerly awaited the plane to finally land and for them to share 15 mins with their soldier, before he/she would have to return for debriefing & to begin the "reintegration" process.

And once he was officially allowed to spend the day with with his lovely wife & child, gorgeous sister and doting family...the family initiated a reintegration training of their own..at Denny's

And the mall.

God Bless America.

Franklin Joins the Army

Not really.

Our heroine spent Easter weekend on an adventure of grand proportions on the border of . Kentucky and Tennessee. In rainy & tornado-prone

Ft. Campbell, home of the 101st Airborne. There she experienced the wonders of sharing a hotel room with two malodorous teenagers (not by choice), the majesty of military life, and the pleasure of playing with her gorgeous 10 month old niece.

Most importantly, she and Franklin welcomed home her brother from a year in Afghanistan.

at 3am

Here are some photos to set the mood.

more to come

Other people with Cages on their legs

As isolating as this experience can feel, our heroine is neither the first nor the last person to do battle with a broken limb and an Ilizarov.

Here are some blogs by other folks:

A blog about a real life superhero injured in the line of duty

A kid in Arkansas in 2007 getting his left leg lengthened

Darren G in the UK with a apparatus on his femur in 2009 (he named his frame Metal Mickey, Brits, so odd)

Some lady who @ about 2:00 gets to talking about exercising w/ a Ilizarov

2009 chat room about Ilizarov (cute domain)

http://frankenlegs.wordpress.com/

http://thelegofchris.blogspot.com/2011/01/taylor-spatial-frame.html

Don't Take Candy From Cripples

The bunny visitation is around the corner, as such, fun colored candy is everywhere, available in every shade of inviting pastel.

Our heroine was recently informed that she will not be receiving a formal gift basket ... apparently she is too old for candy. Naturally she was devastated, knowing that the Mysterious Bearded Man with whom our heroine resides will be travelling to the Steel City, where he will undoubtedly devour all the candy bestowed on him by his loving family, including the 1 lb solid chocolate egg that is an admirable annual tradition (flowers on top are edible).

As if having a giant cage on her leg wasn't enough, now she is forced to cope with the epic loss of her 2nd most treasured annual candy binge (ranking after Halloween, before Valentines day). But once more the Amazing-One Legged Girl triumphs in the face of adversity,

heading straight to her local Walgreen's and stocking up on all her favorites to share with her siblings (who will also feel the effects of this tragedy). While there she purposely ignored those malted milk balls that she has secretly hated for years. She will revive what once was a weekly Friday ritual growing up...the sacred candy cup. A weekly dose of a hodgepodge of sweetness.

Take that easter bunny.

As any chef would, our heroine needed to test her candy combo prior to sharing with her siblings.

In her attempt to stealthily open the bag of pastel colored-peanut M&Ms...an explosion occurred, candy went everywhere, forcing her to eat far more M&Ms than initially intended, for safety sake.

Add this to the list of sacrifices our heroine makes for the ones she loves. A small example of her overwhelmingly benevolent nature.

Tomatoes & Cats

Grand news fans: Our heroine is NOT a killer of all things green, no no, in fact, it turns out that she is both a superhero and an earth mother, fostering earth's bounty from the meager alley on the side of her house.

And yes, that non recycled dowel rod was made in Haerbin, China, potentially one of the least environmentally friendly places on the planet. Freakishly enough, the Amazing One-Legged Girl spent 5 days in Haerbin. 72 hours of travel, 5 days of vacation, re-reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince & getting gawked at by Chinese and Russians alike. But this is not a China blog. dear God no.

This is about adventure...adventures that involve snow balls. What are snow balls you ask? they are not snow cones nor shaved ice nor are they of the Italian persuasion. THEY are THE method by which all classy Southerners survive the summer. Stand in line let the sweat roll down your belly & brow and then savor sweet sweet processed goodness.

Ice ground to the consistency of snow (a true good Southerner would not know that), covered in any range & combo of flavors from dill pickle to wedding cake to cherry to tiger's blood. you can get them stuffed (meaning with ice cream in the middle) or with condensed milk on top. God Bless. By far the best manifestations of these heaven-sent creations in the Houston area are found less than a mile from our heroine's hide out.

And should you EVER see a handicapped person in line for snow balls, the only honorable and good American thing to do would be to let them cut to the front of the line...or the terrorists win.

This photo features the Amazing One-Legged Girl's neighbor, Ashley the cat. He (yes "he" in the Gone with the Wind sense of the name) seems to think that her porch is an ideal place to nap, hunt birds, and be all together squirrelly.

So far, no urine has been found.

.

At least

The Amazing One-Legged Girl has lately taken to musing on the very ho-hum phrase "well at least I have my health." When wheeling past someone picking up trash on the side of the road or laying concrete in 87% humidity at 1pm in Texas, she has thought, "well my leg is dramatically broken, which sucks, but at least I am not expected to do that."

It recently came to her attention that other people are pulling the exact same number on her. A "flip flop." That kindly janitor might be thinking, "that looks horribly inconvenient, at least I have my health."

oh how the tables are turned.

Does it feel good to be the lowest rung by which people compare their lives? no, not for anyone.

Take THAT pollen

Admittedly it has been a long while since the last reports of our heroine's activities. Notably, she has fallen into some MAJOR classic literature kick, spending hours re-reading Pride & Prejudice (then watching the 5 hour BBC special with Colin Firth, of course) and miring through the whining of Wuthering Heights, ick, and enjoying the fabulous new screen version of Jane Eyre. And of course revisiting the narrative magic of Paul Giamatti and Laura Linney in the wondrous HBO mini-series John Adams.

God Bless America.

Aside from this her crusades have come in the ultra-boring forms of work. She is spending 2 days inside the city limits of Crazytown, dodging the insane requests and heaving through piles of "to dos," + still working 10 hours from home. Aside from that she has begun working with

a fabulous group of folks on a summer project, one they started last summer and worked hard, but enjoyed very much....We are still in the "working hard" part of this year.

She is still rocking PT multiple times a week, doing mini squats, balancing on wobbly boards and even bouncing on a trampoline for a few minutes. Needless to say, there is much more going on these days than before, almost so much that it has begun to feel an inkling like her normal life.

but not driving is debilitating

and her leg is as ugly as ever, exciting ample anxiety about what the future holds. Will she walk like a zombie for the rest of her life?

Will her leg permanently resemble swollen Swiss cheese? Only time will tell. Time that seems to be ticking away all too slowly.

Frankly even SHE is getting sick of saying the same things over and over again. Uttering "my leg hurts" or " I'm stuck" or "Would you mind giving me a ride to _____?" blah blah blah. It's even getting old for her ears. The real saints in this story are the people who calmly listen, help, and comfort her when her superhero shell can't keep the anxiety under control.

Her adventures this past month have also led her closer to God? Well maybe, closer to a gentleman who spends all his time talking about God anyway. A man who at the very least, dons a fabulous hat and fervently attempts to revive the "Shepherd" look with a curly staff.

Fighting the pollen daily and dreading the imminent Gulf Coast summer, she and Walter the wheelchair, enjoy spending Wednesdays roaming around the city in a red convertible, searching for cheap furniture for the new apartment.

Tan pending.

Franklin gets Crafty

The weather is doing that wonderful thing it does sometimes in Texas. It is being perfect. This past weekend our heroine found herself sipping coffee on her porch enjoying The Warmth of Other Suns...and the warmth of the regular old sun, getting far more than her prescribed 15 mins of sunshine.

Then she and Franklin embarked on a journey southward with their dear Canadian friend to Bellaire where there was much crafting to be done, most notably the construction of darling decorative spheres. A delightfully messy process

including string, glue, balloons, and Vaseline. As should be expected the Amazing One-Legged Girl dominated that yarn, but she got covered in glue in the process.

The crafting fun continued, fireside. Knitting away on a no-longer-seasonally appropriate scarf for her relative to the north.

Aside from the crafting and good conversation to be had, naturally there was mass consumption of char-roasted sugar puffs...aka SMORES.

Our heroine has an exceptional skill when it comes to the proper roasting of a mallow, the melting of the chocolate and the distribution of the graham. It was truly an exquisite sight to behold.

The crafting continued the following day, with FINAL completion of that daunting scarf and the fabrication a little felt sleeping bag for her Kindle. Such an exhibition of craftiness has not been witnessed since the legendary six foot papier-mâchéTobasco bottle of 1999.

Tomorrow its back to less pleasant battles, including her first physical therapy session. Exciting as that is, she would rather roast a mallow.

Stay at Home Superhero

It has been mentioned before that working part time is dangerously fabulous. Only going into Crazytown 2 days a week allows for our heroine to soak up the sun from her new orange couch and to keep a safe distance via internet and email during the rest of the week. Aside from daytime TV being as awful as it is reputed to be, the commercials reveal that the Amazing One-Legged Girl is in no way their intended audience. From what she can discern they are directed towards one of three categories of people: Mothers with fresh babies (diapers, Gerber, Pajama Jeans); the elderly (dentures, Rascal Scooters, the risks of reusable catheters, Pajama Jeans); the un- or underemployed (medical billing certificates, ITT Tech, Pajama Jeans).

Of these three groups, her current situation freakishly most resembles that of the elderly (not in teeth or in need of help in going to the bathroom), but in her high fashion wheel chair, her super peppy home care nurse that visits once a week, and her need for trendy lounge wear.

The often aired commercial that causes the Amazing One-Legged Girl to laugh heartily at fate goes like this "It's your life, live it well, Texas Orthopedic Hospital." Sweet sweet irony. Probably one of the reasons so many people are stuck at home with the TV on during the day... go ahead rub it in by advertising frequently during the day. Remind us that your infection ridden hospital is why her leg exploded in the first place and further reason for the introduction to Franklin the Frame.

Another exciting aspect about being a home-bound hero is her new garden. Her passion for delicious food, undoubtedly increases demand for fresh herbs, especially the ever-popular cilantro, basil, and rosemary. The logical conclusion is to attempt to cultivate her own, along with two intrepid tomatoes. It should be noted that last year's attempt at farmer-ism started much much later in the season and resulted shriveled sun-stroked twigs.

She is hoping for more luscious longterm results this year.

New Digs, 3 Stairs & Rolly Chairs

The new house is fabulous. Thanks to the aide of many wonderful friends and her tirelessly helpful mother, the move is complete.

Three stairs thats it. Then the door. nice porch, good street, Cajun restaurant on the corner.

Our heroine has been enjoying a wonderful new view from a new $80 orange couch, that may clash with her fancy red chair, but oh well, the hardwood floors ties everything together... right?

Aside from being on the first floor, this apartment is wonderful because it is a straight shot: living room, kitchen, bed & bath.

The kitchen is so large in fact wheels are required to get around, adding a whole new element to the cooking dance. Wheeled twirls are the newest and best way the Amazing One-Legged Girl gets from the sink to the fridge, no more ridiculous hops and one-legged turns that threaten to topple her so often.

She is finding a nice rhythm in working part-time, dangerously nice. If it weren't for the giant metal cage on her leg, you might say she fell into some some random good fortune.

But alas, her fall led to something else entirely. A prescription for PT three times a week will undoubtedly throw her back on the crazy train once more. She is still learning new things every day. For example, who knew large luggage made such a great ottoman?

Death to the Stairs

Today...our heroine finds freedom.

It is moving day, and she will finally be freed from her Rapunzel-esque lifestyle, for which her pixie hair cut is totally useless.

While her triceps have benefited immensely from scooting on her butt up and down the stairs to her front door, she would have traded the splinters, wetness and ice for some nice weight training any day.

adios stairs.

Thank you Ellen

Many people and things have been of great assistance to the Amazing One-Legged Girl during her saga:

her Mysterious Bearded Companion
her mother
her friends
her couch
pain meds

but some have been more unexpected than others, so unexpected, they qualify as secret weapons.

Her list of secret weapons amounts to something like an Oscar speech, always keeping it in the back of her mind, maybe ranking them, in the event that she can't get to someone before the music runs out.

The power players in battling the evil malaise that can come from the chaos of 2010 include:

Big # 1: NETFLIX

followed by:
Ellen DeGeneres saving daytime TV
Toyota 4Runners
Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (the biggest F you to hospital food there is)
Hot Chocolate
Greek Yogurt + Honey
Mircobrewed soda (no alcohol is the pain med trade off)
Biographies of bad ass female historical figures.
Knitting (though this might be on its way to becoming an element that drives her to madness)

Take that world...bet you didn't see those coming. Who knew they could bring such joy!

Be kind to one another...Or else.

Franklin Strutting his Stuff

Franklin is like an onion, just keep pealing and revealing. Turns out, he has struts...for those of you who do not participate in roller derby or build robots/submarines, a "strut is a structural component designed to resist longitudinal compression."

In other words, it is one of these:


After a visit with Dr. Screenwriter, our heroine learned that Franklin can indeed become even more high maintance. She was told to turn his 6 color coded & numbered struts, 2 at a time, every other day, for two weeks. Over time this will gradually lengthen her bones which currently look like this:

This of course provides an immediate challenge for the Amazing One-Legged Girl's flexibility. Having to reach completely around to crank a strut at the back of her ankle requires her to perform some sort of inverted triangle pose.


(or is the the dead bug? Probably more like the dead bug).

In other news, she has returned to Crazytown, (her place of gainful employment) twice a week. Navigating its stark white hallways in a wheelchair, graciously keeping her emotions in check, communicating with far more people than she has been used to during the day, all offer completely different ways to pass the time. Thanks to Franklin she must throw fashion to the wind and proudly venture into a business causal world in over-sized, black stretch pants & one shoe.

Struts or no struts, she's got this under control.

Franklin, Cookies & Cold

This past week was tough. Franklin appears to approach his relationship with our heroine as a frenemy, constantly hanging around, being heavy and all high maintenance. His ridiculous size forced the Amazing One-Legged Girl and her Mysterious Bearded Companion to venture out to their local Salvation Army in search of over sized drawstring pants.

This was quite a feat, considering that prior to the shopping trip, our heroine was unable to wear pants at all. The logistics of shopping in an actual store, pants-less, so to speak, involves a wheelchair and a prayer (and some pj shorts). All this would have been totally acceptable had the Bayou City not been experiencing its version of Snow-pacolypse 2011.

Besides wearing pants, the best way to fight the cold is to bake. Cage or no cage those legs were going to help make cookies, and Betty Crocker would be their guide.

While the dangers of wet tile have already been mentioned. Other kitchen "difficulties" such as reaching up high for flour, or the shuffle, twist and stretch involved in a one-legged pivot for the brown sugar, have not been mentioned.

She approached her kitchen like a dangerous dance floor, ready to hop, skip and slide for the sake of a meal or a snack, always wary of the hard, cold (and at time treacherous) tile beneath her foot.

So far so good.

The Amazing One-Legged Girl survived her time in the kitchen and got to enjoy a few warm, fresh cookies before her Mysterious Bearded Companion devoured the entire plate in a fitful sugar binge.

Much has happened in the past week. Franklin has made the whole apartment shrink. What was once a cozy space is now just a small room for disaster. The 12 stairs to the front door have transformed into a mountain. Since Franklin will be around a while it may indeed be time to find a new dwelling. Perhaps something on the ground floor? With an open plan?

Tomorrow also marks a big change. Our heroine will return to her place of employment after more than 2 months away, starting back at just two days a week, until Franklin becomes more of friend than an enemy.

How will she manage away from the couch? Can she stay awake for a full 7 hour work day or has this ability been obliterated by weeks for 4pm naps? Will her job seem easier with pain medication?

Answers to all this and more to come.

Introducing Franklin the Taylor Spatial Frame

You may notice a little something different in this photo? No no, pay no mind to the black metal halo. Check out that smooth, smooth knee. That blessed Dr. Screenwriter found it in his heart (probably due to some medical requirement) to shave our heroine's gorilla-like leg while she was unconscious. What class! What service!

With the help of her new friends at Texas Orthopedic Hospital, her mother, and her Mysterious Bearded Companion, the Amazing One-Legged Girl survived yet another hospital encounter with finesse and her dignity partially intact.

She is exploring her home with a whole new spatial awareness, moving around with the elegance of an adolescent transformer, clunk, clunk, clunk, wobble, clunk.

Franklin the Frame opens up a new realm of fashion and advertising. Putting on pants is a new adventure, with the rings measuring roughly 10 inches in diameter, making this spring likely to be a season of stylish skirts with pockets. She has already begun to work on designs for the extreme leg warmers/coverings that will be necessary for ventures out in public, especially to eateries (as nothing can keep the Amazing One-Legged Girl away from good food). Who knows what adaptations may become necessary in the Texas summer months? It may even indeed become a marketable advertising space? Like a semi-mobile billboard? Only time will tell. Welcome home Franklin.

5 Star Hospitalization

"Perfectly"
That's how the 3 1/2 hour surgical battle went, according to Dr. Screenwriter.

Our heroine awoke from a delightful anesthetic nap, totally woozy and newly weighed down by a black and silver columnar cage going around and through her right leg.

Yesterday consisted mostly of the Amazing One-Legged Girl attempting to 1) keep her eyes open 2) complete sentences.

She frequently failed at both, sometimes falling asleep mid-gesture and awaking with a start; a sense of urgency; and addressing someone not present in the room (for example, attempting to clear a piece of food from the face of a friend only to realize that she is sitting next to her mother and combing the air). Hospitals and anesthesia bring on all sorts of spectacles, some real, some imagined. When a tall, bald, Russian named Boris comes to take your blood, stating in a thick accent "I vont the blooood. Vere's the blooood?" One can't help but but envision him floating outside your window, with fangs and a black cape. Thank you anesthesia and Dilaudid.

Her post-operative meal consisted of steak, steamed veggies, and carrot cake, during which she fell asleep mid-chew, not because the food was boring, but because she could not control her eyelids. Steak has been a choice on the menu for every meal since. Thank you Texas.

She now has a device with four black metal rings connected to 18 silver wires that go through her skin and stabilize the bone. And she is recouping in a hospital that has a steady supply of Haagen-Dazs and, thanks to MRSA, has her own room with a dress code (hospital workers must wear gloves and unsightly yellow gowns in order to gain access). All a hospital needs to make a stay luxurious: decent food; sheets and blankets that feel like, well sheets and blankets, not dishtowels; cable TV; and a pain pump for the patient (delivering sweet sweet meds every 8 minutes with the simple push of a button).


Her Mysterious Bearded Companion accompanied her on yet another great adventure, facilitating the pre-surgery dance party, stealing ice cream and laughing at the 6am oddities of the pre-operation area.

While the device on her leg may feel like it weighs 26lbs, it really only measures to about 5lbs. And she felt the full weight of it bright and early this morning during her first Physical Therapy session.

Ladies and gentleman, she defeated all fear, proved herself capable of crutching with steady certainty, still hooked up to all her IVs.

Thereby rejected the godforsaken bedpan for the use of a proper toilet.

Another small victory for the Amazing One-Legged Girl.